


Just Keep Holding On So You Don't Slip Away

by Krasimer



Series: Do Not Go Gentle [15]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Altered Mental States, M/M, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Time in Flux, majorly au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 16:08:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3816628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krasimer/pseuds/Krasimer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You meet him in a coffee shop, of all places.</p><p>Actually, it'd be more accurate to say that he finds you in a coffee shop, his bright blue eyes wide with glee. He bounces up to you, like an overgrown puppy, and sticks a hand in your face because he's so much taller than you that that's where it goes.</p><p>"Hi!" he squeaks, entirely too awake for this fucking hour of the morning. "I'm John!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Keep Holding On So You Don't Slip Away

You meet him in a coffee shop, of all places.

Actually, it'd be more accurate to say that he finds you in a coffee shop, his bright blue eyes wide with glee. He bounces up to you, like an overgrown puppy, and sticks a hand in your face because he's so much taller than you that that's where it goes.

"Hi!" he squeaks, entirely too awake for this fucking hour of the morning. "I'm John!"

Your brain, in an attempt to save itself from his idiocy, tries to push itself out one of your ears. It seems to make it, given that you simply stare up at him, blinking once or twice. When you don't say anything, he steps closer, his stupid buck teeth hanging over his bottom lip as he smiles. After a few more seconds of standing next to someone who has a decent amount of muscle in his arms and an otherwise attractive face, your brain decides to come back like a drunken ex, saying all the wrong things at the wrong time.

"What the fuck is wrong with you that you use your two brain cells to spout this bullshit this early in the morning?" 

If anything, that only seems to make him happier, because he jostles his backpack on his shoulder and scoots closer to you when someone trundles past with eight cups of coffee in the stupid cardboard holders that you never know what to do with. "Wow, you're just a little bundle of grumpy in the morning, aren't you?"

"I'd rather be asleep right now, fuckass." you grumble, crossing your arms over your chest and tucking your chin down into them. It makes you look like a little kid, you know that, but it seems to be the only thing that gets people to back off sometimes. "And I'm not little! Just because you're freakishly tall..." you mutter that last part, some piece of your brain desperately clinging to the thought that he smells good and looks kind of awesome. It's trying to preserve the interaction between you and a handsome stranger, you definitely need more coffee.

"Oh, you're a night owl, right?" he giggles, fucking giggles, and then you know you're lost because he manages to sound cute while making a demented gnome sound.

There's a glimpse of blue underneath his jacket, even with it zipped up nearly all the way, and you find yourself staring intently at the blue swirl shape that's only a little hinted at. You only tear your gaze away from it when you realize that you're not focused on it anymore, your eyes pinned to his neck instead.

"Yeah, always have been." you can feel your usual morning anger slipping away from you, and then he's prodding your shoulder, prompting you to tell the barista what sort of liquid mental state you want.

When you go to pay, he waves you off and pulls out his own wallet, grinning the entire time, even when you glare at him. "I just wanted to do something nice!" he laughs it off, entirely too happy and bright. Maybe he's an alien, you let yourself think as he gets his own drink and wanders off with a little handwave.

Before he can leave entirely, you catch up to him and sigh. "Kivanc."

"...What?"

"Your name is John." you take a deep breath and stick out your hand. "Mine's Kivanc. Thanks for buying my brain drug this morning."

"Oh!" he giggles again, then pulls you out of the way of a suburban mom with her three kids in tow. "It's not problem. Nice to meet you Kivanc." you wince a little at how he says it, leaning a little too heavily on some of the letters and making it sound wrong. "I just- I've seen you in here every morning since I moved here and I wanted to make your morning a little better if I could."

"You got a last name, John?" you can feel your cheeks heat a little, and you bury your nose in the rim of your now open paper cup, trying to leech the warmth from it. "Or is it just John, like you're fucking Madonna or something?"

"It's Egbert." he shrugs when you raise an eyebrow. "I don't know where it comes from, but it's been passed down in my family so I figure I might as well keep it."

"Funny." you lean against the wall, huddling into your sweatshirt and he follows your example, his long legs braced so that he won't fall over. "Burakgazi is my last name, and please don't try to say it because you'll get it wrong." you watch his adams apple bob in his throat as he takes a swallow of his drink and then you have to look away because holy fuck the noise he makes when he licks his lips is so fucking close to pornographic. "When did you move here?"

"About a week ago." he smiles. "I wanted to get a little distance from my dad and my grandma, but still be close enough that they could come get me if it was needed."

You hear the clock chime in the distance, and you wince at how loud it is, even from three blocks away. "Shit, I have to get to class or my professor is gonna blow up at me, and I don't have the patience for that today." you find yourself scrambling for a scrap of paper in your pocket, snagging the pen you barely remembered to grab this morning. You write quickly, not giving yourself time to regret it. "This is my number. If you text or call me in the next three hours, no one will ever find your body because I have a big ass test in my immediate future."

He takes the paper with a smile, this one much softer than the ridiculous grins from earlier. "I'll text you when the sun starts going down, maybe you'll be happier to be in your natural habitat." he brushes a careful finger over the slightly bent corner, and you panic about your handwriting for a second. 

When he slides it into his pocket and pats it with a gentle 'Ta!' sound slipping out from between his lips, you nod and start walking off. "Don't die, Egderp!" you call back to him.

"I won't!" he promises.

Your heart beats a little faster and you can feel the flush in your cheeks. The entire meeting with him seems like something out of the romance novels that you won't admit to reading. 

What the fuck have you gotten yourself into?

 

)-)-)-)-)-)-)-)

 

He's waiting for you again this morning, his hands shoved into the front pockets of a bright blue hooded sweatshirt, the same color as the shirt you saw him wearing the first time he talked to you.

It has been three weeks since you first talked to him, and he has been here every morning. Sometimes he's there before you, sometimes he arrives after you do, and if you were a little more creeped out by him you would assume he was stalking you. Instead, he seems too normal, despite the initial possibility of him being an alien. Besides, if he were stalking someone, it wouldn't be you.

You're five foot two, way too heavy for your height, and your face looks...

You find it better to ignore your reflection.

"Hey Kiv!" he calls out to you, and you bite down on the smile that threatens to bloom. It's too early in the morning for anything other than blearily shuffling along in hopes of coffee. When you get a little closer, he puts a hand on your shoulder, his entire extra foot of height advantage making him tower over you. It's the odd combination of protected and disturbed that makes you look up at him, your neck craned back. The red hair that flutters at the edges of your vision probably looks like a disaster right now, and you vaguely hope he doesn't...

What? What do you hope for?

He's likely not gay or bi, he probably has a girlfriend, and he's way too attractive for you to even have a chance.

Well, fuck.

Again, he's acting like an overgrown puppy as he bounces in his spot. "What the fuck are you excited for this morning?" you grumble, crossing your arms and leaning against the building. "Did someone decide to take pity on you and give you a nice healthy dose of anti-psychotics?"

"No!" he grins, then waves at someone else. 

'Someone else' turns out to be a ridiculously attractive female with a gigantic white dog on a leash that looks like it could snap at any second. In light of the large teeth you can see in it's jaw, you ignore the human and focus entirely on the dog. 

There's a feeling of fear, something deep and unshakable, when you look into it's eyes.

"Hey Jade!" John calls, and the dog's head swings around to point towards him, and when they get closer to idiot decides to actually pet the thing. It sniffs his hands at length, then bows it's head so that he can scratch it's neck and rub his hands all over it. "Jade, this is Kivanc! He's the guy I told you about, the one I keep meeting here."

"Oh, so you're the guy my brother is stalking." she gives you that same grin, the same buck teeth sticking out in the same dorky fashion. You prefer it on John's face, and oh fuck you hope that you aren't going to obsess. You don't think that Laleh is going to have patience for dealing with your ridiculous romantic dreams now that she's actually working in the fashion industry. "I'm Jade Harley, nice to meet you. Don't be afraid of Bec, he's just a little paranoid about the world because he's blind."

At the name, 'Bec', she tugs gently on the leash, just enough to turn the dog's attention towards you.

You don't know what it is that saps the IQ from the heads of these two, but that thing is bigger than you, and 'Bec' looks more likely to tear your throat out than like you in any capacity. At John's urging, because you're a fucking idiot, you let Bec sniff your hand and wait while he practically inhales it. There's a heart pounding second where his mouth opens and your fingers are way too close to his fucking fangs, but then he licks your hand and makes a pleased little 'whumph!' noise.

...Well then.

"Oh, are you afraid of dogs?" Jade asks, worry in her voice as she looks between you and her furry monster. "I'm sorry, John didn't say anything. He just wanted me to come meet you today, and I needed to walk Bec anyways, so I figured I might as well bring him."

"Just- Just the ones that are bigger than me." you manage to get the words out without sounding like a complete idiot. "...If you're brother and sister, why are your last names different?"

"Jade took our mom's last name when she died." John shrugs one shoulder, his hand still on your shoulder as he slings his arm around Jade's shoulders. "I kept our dad's last name. And we're actually twins!" he sounds so excited about that, you just can't help but snort a laugh out. "We're also friends with another set of twins, named Dave and Rose. I might drag them to meet you sometime." he jiggles his arm around Jade's shoulder. "She's dating Dave, so they get weirdly PDA occasionally."

You roll your eyes. "Not sure you're using that right, dumbass." 

"Soooooooo..." John drags the word out, making a dumb face while he does. "Let's get coffee!"

"I'm not sure you need any," Jade raises an eyebrow. "You're enough of a morning person without it, and I don't think that K-" she cuts herself off, then nods. "Not sure that even Kivanc would say that you need it."

"Oh, hell no." you agree with her, slightly confused over the pause. It had sounded like she was starting to say something that started with a 'Ka' sound, changing her mind as she was talking. Probably just someone else who can't always pronounce your name, you decide. Whatever else, there's a set of attractive twins who seem to actually like your company.

Weird.

 

)-)-)-)-)-)-)-)

 

The day after you meet Jade, John isn't at the coffee shop when you get there.

Instead, there's some guy who looks a bit like him, with the same black hair and some of the same features, leaning his ass against the wall with his hands in his pockets. He's got more of a tan than John, and his shirt is green, layered over a white tee and some brown shorts. "Hello!" he calls when you get closer, "You must be the chap that John has been befriending lately!"

"...What the fuck?" you ask before you can stop yourself. 

His eyebrows shoot up, and he purses his lips. "Wow, he told me that your language was a bit...Coarse, but I was expecting him to be a bit like he usually is, what with his exaggerations and falsities."

"Not sure that one's a fucking word." you shoot back, jamming your own hands into your pockets. "Why are you here and not him? Who the hell are you?"

"Oh, do forgive my lack of manners!" he stands up straight, a hand on his chest. "My name is Jake Egbert, I am John's older brother." he smiles, and somehow it lacks the sweetness of John's smile, his teeth not as weirdly charmingly bucked. "I came to ask if you remembered the game."

"The..." you frown at him, then shake your head. "I need coffee before I deal with your bullshit, excuse me for a few minutes."

You walk past him and push the door open, only for his hand to land on your shoulder. His eyes are green, not the same blue you've come to recognize as familiar from seeing John. He looks a bit more like Jade, actually, and she makes you uncomfortable enough as it is. "Please," he whispers, "Do think about it. It formed some of the most important moments in your existence, and it does not do for you to forget about it entirely."

"Get your fucking hand off of me." you growl, taking advantage of the fact that he has leaned down to speak with you. His face is right near yours, and anyone who knows you knows that that is one of the worst ideas when you're angry.

He leaves it where it is. "Just try to regain your memories? I will leave you be, if you promise me that."

"Fine!" you snarl, jerking away from him. His hands finally falls off your shoulder, the same way that John had held onto you for a good portion of your coffee shop visit yesterday. He isn't much like John, you decide, rubbing at the back of your neck as you enter the building. He's too pushy, and he disregards personal space in a way that pisses you off. 

As you stand in line, you watch him.

Jake stands near the door, his hands jammed back in his pockets. He has the same features, similar glasses, the same unfair height advantage, but his personality is so much different. He turns to look at you through the glass, and you turn away to talk to the person behind the register. 

"Sir?" the girl leans forward to ask you, a worried look on her face. "Do you need help?"

"Huh?" you say after a few seconds.

"The guy at the door, I saw you arguing with him, and you keep watching him now that you're inside. Do you need me to call the police? He doesn't seem like he's gonna go away." She looks nervous, like she's afraid of what might happen to you. "I have a phone back here, and the station is just down the street. I could have them here in less than five minutes, if you needed them."

"Oh." you blink again, pulling out your wallet to pay for your drink. "I think I'm okay. He's just kind of pushy about asking me something. He's the older brother of a friend of mine, and he's kind of an asshole, but I can deal with him."

"The boy you're always here with, right?" she grins as she takes your money and hands you your change. "I thought he was your boyfriend."

You snort, then shake your head. "Like I have a chance. You have seen his face, right? He's kind of way too attractive for me. He and his sister are the kind of attractive that I would never, in a million years, have a chance with." You drop all but a dollar of your change into the tip jar. "I hope you have an awesome day, though, because you're the only person working in a coffee shop who seems to give a damn about your customers."

She smiles at you as you walk down to the end of the bar to wait for your drink.

 

When you get outside again, Jake is still there. 

Now, however, he's sitting at the one outside table, joined by someone with spiked up hair and ridiculous looking sunglasses. Their hands are joined together on the table, Jake running his free hand's fingers over the other guy's knuckles. "Alright, dickface." you greet him, sliding onto the bench and clenching both of your hands around your cup. "What do you mean about a game?"

Jake smiles at you, but the other guy frowns. "Why are you calling him a dickface?"

"Because that's what I call people who touch me without permission. It was just my shoulder, but molestation is legally defined as more than fifteen seconds of unwanted physical contact." you shudder as you realize that you sound like your brother did before he disappeared.

The new guy, blonde and tanned in a way that implies massive amounts of time spent outside, nods slowly. "That's fair." he drags Jake's hand up to his lips and presses a few kisses to his knuckles. "Just as long as you understand that I'm gonna hold a grudge for you calling my boyfriend that. Ain't nobody messes with my man." the last part is said deadpan, his entire face expressionless.

"Alright." you take a slow slurp of your coffee. "So, welcome to this shitfest, what's your name?"

"Dirk." he holds his other hand out to you.

When you take it, he smirks. "Are you, by any chance, related to the Strider twins?" you ask. "John told me a bit about them, including that Jade and Rose both took their mother's last name while he and Dave kept their dad's name."

"Yeah," he nods once. "I'm their older brother."

"...So the older siblings of both sets of twins are dating?" you raise an eyebrow. "Any other weird family anomalies that I should be aware of?"

"The two sets of twins did the same things with their names, we're both the older brothers and we're dating, and we both have a cousin who lives with us because their parents are out of the picture." Dirk gestures at himself. "Mine because her mom decided to travel the world, Jake's because her dad died."

Jake smiles at him, then leans into his shoulder. "I apologize for my behavior earlier, my brother was just expressing frustration over something last night, and I just don't know what to do about it."

"Frustration in relation to me?" you raise an eyebrow. "Because apparently I know him and don't remember it."

"Well, that, and-" he shakes his head, hair flopping around. "It is not my place to say."

"No." you growl. "No, you started saying this shit, you get to finish that sentence. Seriously, you do not get to worm your way out of this one, not that easily." you take another sip of your drink and nod once, to emphasize. "Finish saying what you were saying, Egderp number two."

"I was born firs-"

"Doesn't fucking matter." you lean forward. "Talk."

There's a moment where he frowns, then sighs. "My brother, it seems, have fallen victim to his emotional state. Much like I have when it comes to Dirk, he seems to have become a willing victim to it, actually."

"Explain faster." you urge him, your too sharp nails tapping against the table. You keep forgetting to trim them. 

"John has a crush on you." Dirk spares both of you the waiting that would have been the result of Jake taking the time to tread on the subject delicately. "He's been talking about nothing but you since he first talked to you, and it's kind of driving every last one of us nuts."

Your brain stalls out. "Wait, I thought he moved here-"

"We followed him, because he's the youngest." Jake interrupts you, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "Jade lives with him, I live in the same building as them. I'm three years older than them, and Dirk is a year older than me. Is that an adequate explanation now?"

Your brain is still stalling, the thinking part of it muddled and useless. 

Dirk seems to notice it first, and he sighs. "Look, do you want us out of here so that you can think about things?" You must have answered in some way, because he relaxes slightly and leans in closer. "Do you want me to call someone?" It's the second time today that someone has asked you that, and you can feel yourself nodding this time, numbly pulling out your cell and dropping it onto the tabletop. 

"Who?" Dirk asks as he pulls it towards him, already flipping through your contacts. "Anyone in particular that's in here?"

You manage to say your cousin's name, you think, and he nods, scrolling through the list faster than you've ever been able to. It only takes a few seconds after he hits the call button for Laleh to pick up, a worried sounding flurry of your native language floating through the air from the tinny speakers. 

Waiting patiently, Dirk leans over and pats your head. "Hey, so I don't speak the language you're speaking, and I'm hoping you know English because I've got the owner of the phone right here and he seems to be having a panic attack or something." Laleh pauses in her rant, then switches over to English. You can hear it, just barely, but you can't tell if your hearing issues are caused by panic or crappy phone speakers. "Alright, so we're at a coffee place a few blocks from his- Yeah, that one. Are you coming to get him, or do you want us to bring him to you?"

There's a crackling noise from the phone, like Laleh dropped it, and then Elaheh's voice comes across the speaker. 

Dirk listens to her, making noises of confirmation as he listens to her, then says goodbye and hangs up. "Couple of things. One, your cousins are both going to be here. Two, it'll only be about fifteen minutes, because apparently they're in Laleh's studio. And three, goddamn I wish I had family like yours." he grins, then offers you his hand, wincing only slightly when you grip it so tightly that your knuckles are white. "Laleh apologized for cursing me out for having your phone, nevermind the fact that she wasn't speaking English at the time and I didn't understand it."

"Turkish." you mutter, hands shaking. "It's Turkish. Or Persian. She's a mixture of both, so she could have been speaking both. We learned both when we were little."

"Neat." Dirk nods again. "Did you move to the U.S from Iran or Turkey?"

"I'm Turkish and-" you pause, taking a deep breath. "My dad is from Turkey, and Laleh's mom is from Iran. Her dad was my dad's brother, but he died when she was seven." your head is all dizzy, like when you're swimming and you haven't taken a trip to the surface for a while. "I-"

"How much older is she than you?" Dirk asks next.

When Jake gives him a confused look, he grins. "You're the older sibling, but you don't have to constantly worry about yours running off or doing something scary. I know the feeling of 'my younger family member is in danger and or trouble' that the girl on the phone was going through. It's a younger sibling defense mode, and I've had to go into it several times when Dave decided to try and be a rebellious little shit."

"She's two years older than me." you stutter the words out. "But she acts like my mom sometimes."

"Cool." Dirk shook his hand in your grip, flipping it over when you let go. "Here, my palm is a bit more developed against sharp nails. There's more callous, and I don't think you need to add seeing blood to your problems right now."

The three of you sit like that for a little while, until a jade green car screeches to a halt in the parking lot and Laleh jumps out, her bag swinging wildly as she runs over. Her sister, Elaheh, parks the car and exits at a calmer pace, her hair swept around by the slight breeze. She looks like she might have just pulled some clothes from the finished bin in Laleh's workshop, because there's a stitched in signature on the hem of the shirt.

Laleh reaches you first, and Dirk finally pulls his hand back. "Hey Persian speaking girl." he greets. "I'm Dirk Strider."

She nods, barely sparing him a glance as she drops herself onto the bench next to you and wraps her arms around your shoulders. "Laleh Nassar." she responds after a second, her hands going up to your hair and scratching gently at your scalp. With her here, you can feel yourself calming down, the overwhelming panic dropping down to almost nothing. Elaheh puts a hand on your shoulder when she comes in closer. 

"Well, I can see that our Kivanc was in good hands while he waited for us." she purrs the words and both the other males blush. 

You feel a bit better now, so you reach a hand back and tap on her hip. "No flirting, you have a girlfriend." you pull one of your legs up so that you can rest your heel on the edge of the bench, curling up into a bit more of a ball. 

"Well, joke's on you, Ananda has said I can flirt all I want." she scoots you over and plops down on the end, sandwiching you between you and your other cousin. "All she asks is that I send her pictures if I sit on someone's lap." she sticks the tip of her finger in the hollow created by her lip ring. "I have an awesome girlfriend, and I have never wanted to do anything to jeopordize that."

"You two are so weird!" you hiss the words out, covering your face with both hands. You're laughing as you say it, and she laughs too.

She nods, then pats your head. "So, why did Kivanc go into a meltdown mode?"

Dirk puts a hand over Jake's mouth, then picks your phone back up and types something really quickly, handing it to her when he finishes. She reads it slowly, then frowns and reads it again, her polished nails backspacing the entirety of it and typing out something else. The two of them pass the phone back and forth for a while, leaving you to curl into Laleh's side and take deep breaths.

Laleh rubs your back in small circles, humming something that was sung to you when you were still in a cradle.

You wish you knew where your father and your brother were. You're tired of being alone. You're tired of having to look over your shoulder, because the house was broken into the day they vanished. You wish that you had taken your aunt up on the offer to live with her.

You really wish that you knew what game Dirk and Jake were referring to.

 

)-)-)-)-)-)-)-)

 

It's something like a week before you go back to the coffee shop.

Mostly, it's because Laleh refuses to let you go home, and she keeps you at her house where she makes you coffee every morning. After your panicked meltdown, she drove by your place, made you pack a bag, then shoved you back in the car and drove back to her house. Her mother had greeted you with a warm hug, a kiss to your forehead as you tried to ignore the fact that you felt like a toddler again.

Between the enforced packing, the crying that was happening when you stopped trying to control it, and the fact that you barely made it past five foot tall, you probably looked like one.

But now, having recovered completely, you're back to your own routine. 

The coffee shop is just ahead, and you actually sort of miss Laleh's car. It's an energy efficient one, and it heats up so fast that it's almost like stepping into a sauna when the day is freezing like this one is. Your bag is on your back, your wallet is in your pocket, and up ahead, there's an oddly comforting blob of blue in the midst of the fog.

When you get closer, John is looking grumpy for the first time since you met him. "My brother," he starts, focusing on the ground in front of him. "Is a jackass."

You can't help it.

You crack up, full blown laughter that feels so welcome after a week of panic and anxiety, and it feels like it clears away some of the worry as well. When you manage to stop and look back up at him, he's grinning, his cheeks a harsh pink in the cold morning. "About what? Talking to me at all?"

"Yeah." he stands up from the table, offers you his hand. You don't know why, but you take it, smiling as you do. "You look nice when you smile, Kivanc."

It doesn't escape your notice that he pronounces it right this time. 

"Yeah? Well, you could do with some time spent looking angry, it actually kind of suits you." you walk with him to the front of the coffee shop, trying to focus on anything but the knowledge you gained from his brother. You don't even know if the guy was telling the truth, John probably will never even entertain the thought of having a crush on you. 

John swings his arm gently, tugging yours with it. "My brother told you about how I feel, didn't he?"

Okay, he needs to stay the fuck out of your head.

"I don't really know what to do with that." you shrug, avoiding his eyes. "I mean, yeah, he said something, but I don't think it was the fucking truth because I'm not someone that anyone would ever-"

Wait.

John's hand is on your cheek.

Why.

What is happening.

His stupidly bright blue eyes are right in front of yours, the fucker is leaning down to meet your eyes, and his hand is on your cheek. "John?"

"I- Kivanc, I really hate hearing you say that about yourself." he frowns, his eyes dropping to your lips. "And the truth is that not only am I bisexual as fuck, you're actually kind of amazing. You're smart, you're attractive, and you put up with me, even when I'm being, and I quote, 'A Dunderfuck'." he giggles, and you don't know how it ever even slightly annoyed you. "If I could, I kind of wanted to drag you out to a food thing tonight."

"Drag me- Are you asking me on a date?" your brain is muddled again, but this time it's a pleasant feeling. If you could bottle the sensation and sell it, you'd make millions. "Egderp, are you trying to ask me out for a dinner?"

"Dude, yeah!" he nods, clearly pleased. "I want to date you and hug you and kind of just possibly be your boyfriend?"

"I don't know, your brother is kind of an ass." you nearly slap yourself, because what the hell? Where the fuck did that come from, you pants shitting moron? You have an attractive as all fuck guy, asking you out and seeming like he's going to kiss you, and you blow him off with a stupid remark about his brother.

"I put a frog in his bed, I think it makes me even with him." he grins. "Especially when it was followed up by the shoes that were turned into tadpole tanks. He had to get a new pair. When you see him next, you can totally take revenge on him in some way that hopefully does not kill him?" he makes it a question, and his other hand is still in yours. He's on his knees now, looking up at you in a ridiculous fucking way that seems entirely too happy. You've never inspired happiness in someone unless they were family.

Oh.

Okay then.

"I'll just do something to his food." you mutter, sliding your connected hands around until your fingers are tangled with his. "John, can I kiss you?"

His face goes soft as he nods. 

You're nervous, and his hand goes from your cheek to your back and splays out like he's trying to keep you upright with just the one. It's a bit messy, teeth clicking together, but it eventually settles into a good rhythm. When you pull apart for air, both of your hands are in his hair and one of his is resting happily on your ass, and his lips are swollen. 

Which means you probably look even messier than you usually do.

"Okay, so we have two choices here." John clears his throat, eyes even brighter than usual. "We can either break apart now so we can go inside and get you coffee'd before class, or we can keep making out and have you un-caffeinated and in class. I know which one I prefer, but you're the one with morning classes right now."

"...Give me a second, okay?" you think it over, desperation for coffee versus wanting to keep touching him. 

"Alright." he nods, gaze drawn to your lips. "There's also the fact that you're small enough for me to carry, so I could walk you to class and keep kissing you?"

"If we do that, we're probably going to fall on our faces and possibly break something. As much as I like physical contact with you, that doesn't sound good." you frown. "And I'm not small!" you grumble, even as he rests his forehead on your shoulder. 

"You're fun-sized!" he laughs, then stands up and takes your hand in his again. 

"Fuck you!"

All that gets is laughter, and the little shit manages to dodge your kick.

)-)-)-)-)-)-)-)

~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

You wake up, arms still aching from that final battle in the game, and you're in a bed that looks almost exactly like the one you had when you were thirteen.

Your name is John Egbert, and you remember everything about the game. You remember the people you lost, you remember the changes you helped make to the timeline. This, you realize as you jam your glasses onto your nose, must be what happens after.

Despite knowing that the game just ended, you have memories of a life without it, an entire life you never lived. 

When you stumble out of your room, you nearly run Jade over. 

"John!" she gasps, a hand on your shoulder to stabilize you so that you don't fall over. The two of you are a little different than how you were before, your faces changed just enough to look almost identical. "John, oh my god, you're okay!" she smushes your face into her shoulder, her arms wrapping around your back so tightly that it sort of hurts. 

"Jade, I'm glad you're okay, could you let me breathe?" you gasp out the words, flailing a little. "Please?"

"Oh!" she lets go of you, her bright green eyes wide as she nods. She looks like she did before, except now she's older than that. Her shirt still has a dog head shape on it, but it's white now, with a starry background that reminds you of her God-tier. Your own pajamas look like your God-tier, except there's no hood. For a second, while you're looking down at them, you see a few splashes of blood, and it's gone before you can tell whose it is.

"...John?" Jade asks quietly, a hand hovering over your shoulder.

There's an insistent tug in your chest, something that urges you to take a deep breath and meet her eyes. It feels familiar, but also completely strange. Like a remixed song, something that samples from other songs and sounds like all of them at once and none of them at the same time. "I'm fine." you manage to whisper. "That was-"

She nods, even though you don't finish that sentence. "Yeah." licking at her lips, she looks over her shoulder. "So would now be a good time to tell you that I woke up to Dave in my bed?"

The burst of laughter that you follow her statement with folds you in half, nearly smashing your nose into your own knee.

 

The sunshine is warm but weak when you drag Jade down to a coffee shop near the college you both apparently go to. 

Dave follows along quietly, his sunglasses glinting in the light as his fingers fold around Jade's, an anchor to keep her from floating away as she orbits around him, talking a million miles a minute about how the world seems so familiar.

It's that song analogy again, and you feel like you're a few beats off tempo.

When Jade pauses, turns worried eyes towards you and whispers your name, Dave stretches his free hand out and places it on your shoulder. He's an anchor to both of you now, so that Jade won't float away and so you won't sink. Your chest feels tight, feels too tight for you to breathe, and you can feel the sting of tears in the back of your eyes. 

With a sigh, Dave wrestles your phone out of your pocket, flicking through the list of names, some of which you recognize, before settling on one.

He sits you at the one outside table, dragging Jade inside so that you can have a moment alone, and you have to wonder how many memories he still has from Davesprite. Upon waking up in a new world, populated by humans and dogs and cats and fuzzy things that make everyone squeal over how cute they are...Davesprite doesn't exist anymore.

Dave is still in control of his powers, his grasp of the timeline more solid than it was before. You'd asked him about the game, but all he would tell you was that time was in flux, and if you still didn't know, he couldn't tell you.

The phone picks up.

"John?"

You can feel the ache in your chest. "Dad." The tears that were threatening to fall are streaming now, thin rivers of warmth and relief down your face. "Hey, how're you doing?"

"I'm doing fine, son." there's a pause. "Are you alright? You only just moved down there, and we could have you moved back at any time if you don't feel like you're ready." there's a sound like he's setting a stirring implement down. "And I am helping Jane move up there soon enough, you know that too."

"I'm fine, dad," you're going to start sobbing in a way that he can hear. "I just wanted to talk to you, all of a sudden. I swear, I'm fine, just a little homesick."

"Funny," you can hear the laughter in his voice. "I could have sworn you were tired of being...Hmm, what's the best term? House Bound? Home Stuck?" he laughs for real this time, and you hear a ding and a female voice in the background.

"Is that Jane?"

"Yes, do you want to talk to her?"

"Not just yet, I called to talk to you." you put your elbow on the table and cradle your chin in your palm. "I just wanted to tell you that I loved you, and I know you probably won't understand, but I'm sorry."

There's a few seconds of silence, and then he speaks, his voice a little more gentle than before. "I don't think you need to be sorry for anything, John. You're my son, and I love you too. I am, beyond all teasing, actually very proud of you. You're growing up, and you're doing so very well. You've gotten into a good college, you're there and you're making your own choices. I suppose the only thing left for this whole adult experience is to tell you that you will always have a home to come back to."

You wipe away some of the tears, nodding and pressing the phone closer to your ear. The breeze around you picks up, tossing your hair into your face. "Thanks, dad."

"Was there anything else you needed to hear from your old man?" he asks, and you can practically see him raising his eyebrow, a crooked little smile on his face. It's the same face he made when you announced that you were going to become a chef and a baker, and maybe also a joke shop owner.

You giggle, your chest feeling a lot less tense and tight. "Nah, he might need a nap soon, and I don't want to have him rambling all through the time for it."

He laughs, and then you tell him goodbye and to send you the recipe for something you don't even know how you knew the name for and you hang up. The phone sits in your hand for a minute, your fingers turning it over as you stare at it without actually seeing it. "Heh." you mutter, standing up and sliding it back into your pocket as you enter the building and try to find Jade and Dave.

Turns out, you see them, but not before you spot a guy who looks maybe a few years older than you. His hair is a deep red, not ginger but also not from a bottle, and his skin is a few shades darker than tan. He's got his nose buried in a book, his eyebrows furrowed downwards and his teeth bared in an angry shape, somewhere between a grimace and a growl. The tugging sensation you've been feeling in your chest all morning finally fades, replaced by a gentle urge to step forward.

"Hm-hm." Dave clears his throat next to you, hands you a cup of something cold and sweet and barely caffienated. "So when I told you that if you didn't know, I couldn't tell you?"

He points at the guy, whose eyes are narrowed and angrily scanning the pages of the book as he scribbles something down on the pad of paper next to him. His fingers are sort of stubby, and he's gripping near the tip of the pencil, exactly the way you were taught not to do. When he goes back to the book, he shoves the eraser end between his teeth, biting down hard enough that you can see the muscles in his jaw working from across the room.

"That," Dave gestures towards the guy again. "Is Karkat."

"...Oh!" you whisper, turning to meet Dave's eyes. "So that's...Wow. He's- Wow. Dave, I need to go talk to him." Okay, so you're thinking back to when you said you weren't homosexual and you were sort of right? You're either Bi or Pan or something. All you really know for sure is that Karkat is attractive to you, no matter where or when you are. Vriska had been too, but she'd also scared you a bit.

Maybe you shouldn't try to label it? It seems like a waste of time trying to figure yourself out right now.

"Do you know what you'd say?" he asks you quietly, an eyebrow arched behind the shield of his shades. You think you might be pouting as you stare back, and he claps a hand onto your shoulder. "Give me and Jade a bit of time to help you prepare, Egbert. Then pounce like a motherfucking tiger, alright man?"

You can feel your cheeks heating up, but you nod and follow him to the table they snagged near the window.

 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

He's adorable.

He struggles into the coffee shop, every morning, his eyes still half closed and his steps little more than shuffles. You'd thought, when he was a troll, that that was as cute as he was going to get and you'd have your whole gay panic thing later when he couldn't see it, but...Oh damn.

And today, you and your 'Wise Council' had decided, was the day you were going to talk to him.

He barely seems to notice you when you step close enough for him to see you, so you step closer, barely able to restrain your excitement. Karkat, whatever he's named now because you don't think a human world would allow for troll names, looks up at you blearily. His eyes are still slightly rimmed with sleep. When he finally focuses on you, his eyes go wide and he looks up and down at you, finally coming up with words.

His voice is gruff, almost unmatched to his face and size, but it's unmistakably him. "What the fuck is wrong with you that you use your two brain cells to spout this bullshit this early in the morning?" 

Yeah, you think, your grin growing wider as you shuffle closer to allow a man with a couple of trays of drinks past. That's Karkat, alright. 

Time passes, weirdly, in a blur as you talk to him. 

You watch him run off to school, a piece of paper with his name and number stowed safely away in your pocket. Barely even thinking about it, you reach in and tighten your hand around it, making sure that it's still there. It is, of course, but you want to have it in your hand at all times because you found Karkat again, even if he doesn't remember.

You found Karkat.

There's a lightness in your chest, something as carefree and as fierce as the wind you used to control.

 

You get back to the apartment you share with Jade and you make it through the door, keys in the bowl and bag on the floor and shoes off and there's Dave at the kitchen table with a girl who isn't Jade and has blue hair.

"Hello John," she says, her eyes glinting in the light. "Are you well today?"

Dave waves you over, kicks a chair out from the table when you step within a four foot radius of it, then nods at it and points to the girl. "This is Tempest. She needs to talk to you, even though you don't belong to her."

"...And you do?" your eyebrow is raised so high it might as well be a satelite. 

You don't think that Jade is home yet, her bag isn't by the door and her shoes aren't either, and you're really not sure what's going on here. Should you call her? Having pieced together the memories from the life the game gave you, you're still quietly pleased about being her twin brother. It means that you need to call her when things go weird.

"Don't call her, not just yet." Tempest smiles at you, her eyes crinkling in a way that reminds you of a picture you saw once of your grandma. There's something old about her, something that reminds you also of your denizen where he had slept beneath the crust and core of your world.

Suddenly, you feel like a kid again. You feel like the stupid kid you were when the game first started and you gained friends but lost pretty much everything else.

"How did you know I was going to-" your voice cuts out, and you slump down into the chair that Dave kicked out for you. "I-it's just Jade?" your heart is hammering in your chest, and when her hand lands on the back of your neck, everything calms down. 

"She already knows, and from what Dave has told me, she has a test today." Tempest seems proud as she says this, a hint of it in her eyes. "When he says that you don't belong to me, he is right. You're also right, in that he does belong to me. Any and all Dersites are mine to see to, to be sure of the safe keeping in connect to." she glances at Dave, the edge of her smile quirking upwards. "You belong more to my mate. Mem oversees Prospit and all of it's Dreamers."

Dave takes pity on you, you think, because Tempest talks in more riddles and backwards sentences than the Sprites in the game did.

"She's a goddess, and she's connected to the Derse moon. Rose is also hers, as are Roxy and Dirk." you're a little surprised that he says his brother's name so easily, but there are repaired bridges everywhere these days. You and your dad, Dave and his brother...

You nod slowly, trying to figure out something to say to both of them. They're looking at you, waiting, and Tempest still has a comforting hand on your shoulder.

"Well, uh-" you clear your throat. "Wow."

Tempest laughs, and it's almost ridiculous how human it sounds for a goddess, a loud snort at the beginning of it and her blue hair tumbling down her shoulders as she buries her face in her hands. Her shoulders are shaking and her chest is heaving and it gets to a point where's there's no more sound, just an intensely amused goddess, sitting at your kitchen table with one of your best friends.

Eventually, pulling out of her almost hysterical state, Tempest looks at you, eyes focused once more. "So you've found Karkat. This is good." she tilts her head. "Were you aware that you still can call the wind to you?"

...What.

No, wait, seriously, what?

When you say as much out loud, Tempest nods, waving her hands in small circles in front of her. Between her fingers, there's a rush of air that moves so fast it's actually able to be seen. 

"You are still a hero of Breath, John." she smiles, gestures at Dave. "You are, in technicality, gods of this world. Your session did not get voided and nulled so much as joined together with the other that resembled it. The young versions of your guardians are as well, which means that there must be a watch kept on them sometimes." she shrugs, an apology written across her face. "The trolls who became humans still have traces of their powers, but it becomes an echo rather than...Well..."

Dave turns his head away, and you can't tell what he's looking at because you can't see his eyes, but when he speaks, you can't help but agree. "The sun's starting to go down, you should talk to him."

Your phone feels like a thousand pound weight in your pocket all of a sudden, but the need to talk to him takes hold.

You excuse yourself from their conversation and hide in your room as the call dials out. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

You can't remember ever being this angry at someone.

Jake, despite being your brother and despite the fact that he should have known better, confronted Karkat/Kivanc and sent him into a full on panic attack. The only reason you know about it is because Dirk decided to tell you, because apparently your brother is enough of an asshole that he wasn't going to tell you at all. 

Which brings you to where you are now.

Your hand in on Jake's shoulder, only a few inches from his throat, and your head is pounding with anger and you feel nauseous. If it came down to it, however, that won't keep you from hurting him because he did what he shouldn't have done. His eyes are wide as he stares down at you, his hand curled around your wrist as he takes deep breaths. "John-"

"Don't, just-" you growl, an inhuman sound that reminds you of the trolls, and you'll be worried and surprised by that later. "Don't. You shouldn't have done that, you-"

When Dirk and Dave each grab one of your arms and pull you away from him, you let them.

"I did not think that it would be an issue, John." Jake, fully back on his feet now, rubs at the spot you were holding him against the wall by. "I did not think that he would react in such a way as to have an anxiety attack. I did not think-"

"I'll believe that." you grumble.

"...What?"

"You not thinking." you shake your head. "From what I've heard of your turn in the game, that seems to be a common theme. And the fact that you weren't going to tell me is just kind of horrible, you dick. You were just going to try and slip by, and it's only because Dirk and Dave are kind of awesome that I even know about it."

"You were pining in such a dreadful way, chap." Jake's voice is shaky, like he's scared, and all that seems to be doing is pissing you off even more. 

You try to pull away from the Strider brothers, but they anticipate it and hold your arms even tighter. "That doesn't mean you tell him! The plan we made was me talking to him, nudging memories gently and without actually hurting him, and waiting for his mind to catch up to the world." you can feel the ache in your chest and next to you, Dirk is wincing, a sad look on his face. It takes you a second, and you spend it watching him, but you remember what his class and aspect were. "Sorry."

"It's fine." he shrugs it off, still holding onto your arm. 

Jake, not responding to your last comment, is looking away like an ashamed dog that got caught tearing into the garbage. 

With a sigh, Dirk lets you go and crosses over to his boyfriend, wrapping an arm around his waist. "Come on, English, lets get you out of here. You decided to be kind of an idiot, your brother is angry." he kisses the other's temple, leading him out of the apartment.

"Why do I get the feeling that Jake is extremely lucky my brother loves him?" Dave asks quietly, a gently restraining hand laying on your shoulder as he waits for the door to close and the sound of the other two's footsteps leaving. "It sort of felt like you were going to hurt him if he hadn't had a barrier right then."

"...I probably was." you shrug one of your shoulders, your left hand coming up to curl around the bicep of your right arm. "He shouldn't have done that."

"Yeah." Dave nods, then pushes you towards the table and heads for the fridge. "Apple juice?"

"I notice you're offering me my own, from my fridge." you shoot back, the tense feeling of the room draining away when he sticks his head out from behind the door again. There's a small grin on his face that quickly slides into a smug smirk, and he returns to the table with two bottles of juice. 

"Well, yeah bro. Ain't my apartment, otherwise I would offer you mine." he slides the second bottle over to you. "And juice calms everyone down."

You twist the cap off and sigh. "I'm gonna ask him out next time I see him."

"...Please tell me you're talking about human Karkat." Dave lowers the lip of the bottle away from his mouth. "You can't just switch topics like that, man, you were just talking about your brother and that brings up possibilities that I don't like."

You giggle and kick him under the table. 

The door to the apartment opens and Jade tosses her keys into the bowl, slings her jacket onto the hook, then flounces into the kitchen and plops into Dave's lap. "Hrrgmh." she growls, burying her face in his shoulder.

"Okay, so, as your boyfriend, I am obligated to care." Dave announces, one hand settling in her hair. "School or work? One groan for school, two for work."

Jade slugs his shoulder, probably hard enough to bruise, and he cackles quietly. When she grumbles, a nonsensical sound that occurs twice, he nods. "Alright, so work was difficult today? What tales have you brought back with you from the land of plants and science?"

"I can't understand why the fuck someone would go through all the trouble of commissioning something as complicated as a glowing flower, and then reject the damn thing when they finally come in to see it in person." she snags his bottle of juice, draining half of it and handing it back. "Seriously, we sent videos and picture updates and everything else and I was the lead on the project of making the thing glow in the first place by splicing genes!"

"Did you get in trouble for it?" Dave asks, an eyebrow raised above the frame of his sunglasses.

Jade growls again. "No, but it feels like a waste of time and resources and my time because I spent at least three all nighters trying to get the damn thing right."

"Jake did something stupid today." Dave reports, his smirk coming back when she perks up and scowls. 

"Oh, it's not even our anniversary and you're giving me a target?" she clasped her hands together over her chest and you can't help but laugh. She grins at you, the scowl gone, then turns back to Dave. "What did our older brother do today to piss everyone off?"

Dave gestures at you, then takes a large swallow of what's left of his juice. 

"Jake decided to go talk to Kivanc and ask him if he remembered the game yet. What makes it worse is that he then tried to not tell me." you frown. "I found out from Dirk, not our brother, that Kivanc had a panic attack that kind of required his cousin to come running. The only good to come out of this is that Kivanc's cousins seem to be Kanaya and Porrim, based on what Dirk told me."

"Well, that's good." Jade nods. "That'll make Rose happy."

"Yeah." you twirl the lid of your juice bottle around, watching the light reflect off it at odd angles. "Yeah, it will. I should call her."

Jade leans forward, puts a hand on your arm. "Right now, we're going to go watch some crappy flick that you're going to pick out. It can even be a Nic Cage movie, just this once." she stands up, stretches out her back, then drags you into the living room and nudges you towards the movie cabinet. 

You have kind of an awesome family.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Kivanc is beautiful.

Even if he never remembers, you are so glad you kissed him. The way he talks, the little faces he makes when he thinks that no one is watching...He's amazing, in pretty much every way, and you like that he's gonna be in your life a hell of a lot more.

For now, for example, he's in your apartment, mercilessly beating the absolute shit out of you in a game, and he's winning. You've been together a month, but that month has been twelve big dates, thirteen little ones where it was just hanging out, and five times you and him hung out with friends. It's a lot of relationship to pack into one month.

He pauses the game.

"Hey John?"

There's a frown on his face, his soft cheeks pulled tight with the expression. 

Oh no, frowns are usually bad. Especially with that tone of voice, the one that says he's confused and possibly angry. "Yeah?"

"We've been together for about a month now, and I wanted to ask you something." he turns to look at you, his hands empty of the game controller. He set it down on the floor, next to his plate. "You remember the panic attack I had, right?"

"Yeah, a week without you in my life." you make a face. "Didn't like that, thought I was gonna die."

"Sweet talker." Kivanc rolls his eyes, flopping a pillow into your chest. "Anyways...Your brother mentioned a game. Wh- I mean-"

"Take your time." you urge him, catching one of his hands in your own. Kivanc is staring up at you, eyes wide as he thinks about his words before he says them. Sometimes, if he isn't careful, they end up in a jumbled mess that sounds like a mixture of English and his two other languages. "Seriously, nothing is so important that you need to rush over words. We've got time."

"Yeah, provided that Dave still has control of it." Kivanc shoots back, then closes his eyes and shakes his head. "Okay, so that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Shit like that keeps popping up in my head, and it's never anything big, just little comments like that. Or thoughts. Or images of the two of you in these soft pajama clothes."

"Kivanc?" you tilt his head back up when he ducks down and tries to avoid meeting your eyes.

"My own fucking name doesn't sound right." he grumbles. "I mean, it does, but it doesn't, and then it throws me for a fucking loop and it's all wrong again and I- I don't know what's going on in my own fucking head."

"So what are you trying to ask me?" you say it softly, just loud enough for him to hear, trying to get him to focus.

"Is the game the one where I was grey skinned and had horns?" he sighs, then nods. "And are you only hanging around on the off chance that I happen to be the particular grey skinned shitsack you're looking for?"

"So you remember Karkat." you assess, then shake your head. "I'm sort of hoping that you're him, and I've been told that you are, but even if you weren't, I'd still be right here, right now."

He shuffles around, leaning against your chest and curling his knees close. The gentle chub of his stomach makes it a little difficult, but he curls up all the same. "Are you lying just to avoid talking about this?"

"No." you negate it twice, shaking your head again when he looks up. 

"It's just-" he groans, hands burying themselves in his hair. "Fuck! You dating me is so far beyond the norm, it's actually really fucking weird."

"You, Kivanc Burakgazi, are adorable." you wrap your arms around him. "You're intelligent, you're kind, you're sweet. You're, in general and all around, kind of amazing. Just because you think you're weird and wired wrong doesn't mean that you are." he purrs, a distinctly alien sound coming from his throat. "If it weren't creepy as hell, there's some other things I'd be saying right now."

"...Oh." he slides down until he's looking up into your eyes without having to move his neck. "Oh! You're completely batshit about me, aren't you? Like, meet the parents and everything."

"If you wanted to meet my dad, he knows about you and would likely smother us both in baked goods and home made food." you offer, playing with his hair. "It'd just be a question of finding a weekend or something when we both have time to go down and visit."

"I think I'd like that." Kivanc smiles up at you, his hands wrapped in yours now. "Will you still help me get memories of the game back?"

"Yeah." you smile back, then pull his hands to your mouth and kiss all of his knuckles. "Yeah."

**Author's Note:**

> ...I told you I'd write JohnKat.  
>  I told you.


End file.
